Destinee's Devotionals

Escaping the Pain When You Just Want to Die

When you’re in the deepest part of pain, it feels as if it’ll never end and there is no escape.

Sadly, this is why suicide happens all too often. If the person contemplating suicide knew for a fact that the pain would end and that there would be better days ahead, they wouldn’t resort to taking their own life.

If you’re in this pain right now, I want you to know that there is hope. This is how I escaped the inescapable pain.

I have a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts before I came to know God. The endless pain I had felt before God was healed and the endless pain I endured after God, as a christian, was healed. But I did trip and fall, I did relapse into suicidal thoughts, anger and self harm.



Before God, I couldn’t rid myself of the deep emotional pain I felt inside. It always returned and I turned to self harm in the form of cutting and head banging (literally) to give my heart a break. I resorted to suicide attempts when I just couldn’t see an end to the pain and when I felt unloved or rejected. I just wanted the hell I lived in to be over with.

This brings me to the first thing that leads to healing:

  • Forgiveness

    • Being unwilling to forgive or not even realizing that you haven’t forgiven will keep you in the pain for a lifetime, if you let it.
    • Forgiveness DOESN’T mean what they did was ok, it doesn’t mean you’re letting them off of the hook. Forgiveness means that you will not let them hurt you anymore. You will not give them the opportunity to take away anymore of your quality of life. Forgiveness is FOR YOU!
    • Forgiveness can be hard, it’s important to lean on God and cry out for his help to bring healing so you can move on from the hurt, anger and bitterness.

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God showed me that I was holding a grudge against my Dad for all that he had done when I was a kid. This unforgiveness was literally killing me. When I was able to let go and forgive, that pain left and for the first time I felt like happiness and joy weren’t momentary or fleeting. I finally had peace.

Fast forward 9 years and I experienced the deepest pain and hardest trial I had ever been through as a Christian. It sent me reeling into the very things I thought I was delivered from; self harm, suicidal thoughts and violent anger.

My husband rejected me and treated another woman like she was better. I had never felt so abandoned and unloved before in our relationship. I came to see that this was a major trigger. My dad had made me feel abandoned, rejected and unloved as a child. This feeling pulled me all the way back into that unending pain.



I relapsed and cut myself once, put my head through a wall as well as my fists, but the biggest thing I fell into was planning every detail of how I could kill myself without hurting the baby I was carrying in my womb. I was a high suicide risk and I didn’t tell anyone except the one person who I wanted to care…. My husband.

He was so lost in his feelings for another person that he didn’t take me seriously and didn’t care. That right there could have been the push that sent me over the edge. But God knew that I had many reasons to live and that he wasn’t done with me yet. That baby inside of me kept me living, I couldn’t bring myself to risk hurting him.

This brings me to the second thing that leads to healing:

  • Know Your Worth

    • If we see no purpose to our life, then we can’t see our worth. With no worth there is no longer a point to living.
    • When you know that there is a plan and a purpose for your life and it’s for GOOD, you begin to realize that your life is worth something.
    • Your worth isn’t in your job, your spouse, your kids or your looks… Your worth is in God! And he thinks that you were worth dying for! Let that sink in…

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Through the affair I realized that I struggled with feeling worthless my whole life. From the issues my dad had struggled with to the issues of my husband, I took these on my shoulders and concluded that I must be worthless.

This is a lie straight from the enemy. Each and every one of us is worth SO MUCH! And it isn’t based on performance, we can’t mess up our worth.

Now, the last thing that leads to healing:

  • Love Yourself

    • Loving yourself is not selfish, it’s necessary, without self love we are unable to truly love another person.
    • Without self love we’re running to different things and different people trying to get our fix of “love.”
    • Without self love and knowing your worth you end up in dysfunctional and abusive relationships which trigger that deep pain you’re trying to get away from.

For so long I was loving others MORE than I loved myself, I thought this made me a good Christian and a good person…. Until I noticed this ONE word in a popular verse I must have overlooked a million times.

“The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:31

Do you see it? It’s easy to miss… AS… “Love your neighbor AS yourself”. Not more than, not less than, but AS you love yourself. This means that you’re supposed to love yourself!



If you feel like you cannot escape the pain, I pray that this blog has shown you that THERE IS HOPE! You can be free and there is healing. You have a future, a hope and a purpose!

The first thing you need is God, from there you need to forgive those who have hurt you, then learn what you’re really worth, get away from toxic relationships and start learning how to love yourself.

Your deepest pain can be the springboard into your greatest calling. Please hang in there, you are worth so much!

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