Scarlet Letter D – When Divorce Feels Like the Unforgivable Sin

Scarlet Letter D – When Divorce Feels Like the Unforgivable Sin

The Church needs to stop treating divorce like the unforgivable sin.

I want to be very careful in writing this blog because this is a very touchy subject.

I think it’s important to discuss the guilt that many abused women feel when facing divorce in order to get away from the rampant unrepentant sin that is causing them physical, mental, and emotional pain.

This blog is not justifying divorce, of course, divorce is an ugly thing for all involved. This isn’t about giving every unhappy person a pass to go file for divorce instead of working through their issues. Marriage is hard! Soldier up!

This is about a special group of women. Those who are not perfect but have poured out their lives to their husband who takes and takes and takes.

This husband is verbally abusive; he talks down to her about her weight, calls her names, says hurtful things and then claims he’s joking, he tells her that no one else would ever want her.

This husband is emotionally abusive; he never validates any of her feelings and tells her that she’s overreacting, he makes her feel crazy, when she wants to discuss something important he tells her that she’s just trying to argue, he cheats on her and lies over and over again, he is controlling and manipulative.

It’s hard for people on the outside to see this abuse because these types of men are usually very charming.

This husband is physically abusive; this is the easiest abuse to spot. He leaves “mysterious” bruises on her arms, face, and elsewhere, he uses intimidation to control her, he keeps her in fear so that she’ll never tell on him or leave, he isolates her from her friends and family, he showers her with love after hitting her to keep her confused.

These are not marriages that we should pressure women to stay in. The Church has made the mistake of putting the restoration of the husband onto the abused wife’s shoulders!

“If you love him like Jesus he’ll change”, “you just need to submit to him”, “you need to pray harder.”

Hearing these types of comments makes me physically ill. No wonder we live in a society where our men aren’t living up to the true authority and masculinity that God gave them!

I personally know a woman who asked her brothers in Christ to come alongside her to confront the obvious sin of her husband and they wouldn’t do it. They were more worried about offending the husband and pushing him away… which is not Biblical AT ALL. (Matthew 18: 15- 17)

Church, our women are fighting these battles alone!

Let me tell you, the type of mental strength it takes to leave an abusive relationship is immense! If a woman in your ministry had the strength to bring the abuse in her marriage up to you do not discourage her with a guilt trip on the sin of divorce!

Do not make these women out to be the “sinner” in the situation. God never called them to be martyrs for their marriage. The true injustice is the way their husbands are treating them.

Now, I want to speak directly to this special group of women. Somewhere along the road, something inside of you was broken. It could have been an absent father, abusive father or some other type of hurt from someone.

The point is this, they made you feel like you were worthless. They made you fear rejection. So you people please and pour yourself out until you have nothing left. You allow yourself to be used and abused hoping that your love will change them.

This isn’t how God designed marriage to be. This isn’t what God created you for.

Do not raise your children to believe that this is okay, just to perpetuate the cycle in their adult life.

Separate from the abuse.

Be wise in how you go about this, some men can become very dangerous when they lose control of their victim. Enlist supportive people who will give you godly counsel and protection.

Stay on your face in prayer, you will need all of the wisdom and power God can give you.


God loves you! He hurts seeing his beautiful daughter being treated this way. He won’t even listen to your husband’s prayers because of the way he treats you! (1 Peter 3:7)

You can not change that man, only God can. So give God full control of your marriage. While you’re separated work on healing your soul, growing into a deeper relationship with God and becoming whole on your own.

Never jump into a new relationship without godly counsel, healing, and seeking God first.

Many women sadly skip the self-reflection and healing and immediately jump into another relationship with a man who ends up being abusive in a different way or much worse than the original husband.

Heal what’s broken inside of you first.

Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. You don’t have to jump straight into a divorce either, you’re aloud to separate from the abuse to get a clear mind and seek the next steps God wants you to take.

I can’t say it any better than Gary Thomas, “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”

Please share this for one of these special women out there. ❤️

Much love,

Stop Settling for Lukewarm “Love”

Stop Settling for Lukewarm “Love”

I feel like there is an epidemic in lukewarm love. I know it comes from women as well but I can only speak of my experience in loving a man who wasn’t loving me the way he should have.

When people began to learn of the heartbreaking affair I was going through in my marriage, hurting women started coming from the woodwork. The saddest part about it was that these women were in Christian families… These men were supposed to be followers of God.

Yet here they were… dealing with affairs, abuse, secrets and dating sights. My heart broke knowing all too well the pain they were going through. My eyes were opened to this lukewarm love that was being given from so many men! It’s like they all read the same playbook. The similarities were sickening.

This is nothing short of abuse… it comes in different degrees but it’s abuse nonetheless. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Whatever degree it may be, abuse isn’t love.

The physical is easy to spot and anyone can see that this is NOT right! Physical abuse is never to be blamed on the victim. You cannot change that man or love him into changing. Change is something he needs to find on his own. Get out of that relationship now!

Verbal abuse becomes a little trickier. They could hide it well from close family and friends. Or they could jokingly say the meanest things and then make you feel crazy for getting hurt over their “joke.” At home it could be as clear as day, constantly being called a h**, tramp, b****… There is no excuse for this man.

Emotional abuse, this can be the hardest to spot and the hardest to explain. They can be serial cheaters, controlling under the guise of trying to “protect you”,  they play mind games, constantly lie, make you question your own reality, make you feel crazy and flip the script on you when they’re obviously in the wrong. This is not love!

This heartbreak I went through made me realize why God doesn’t want lukewarm Christians. Because he wants our love and our heart and when you genuinely love someone there is nothing lukewarm about it. You put that person first, you look for ways to make them happy, you want to be there for them even to the point of forsaking yourself. You will sacrifice selfish ambitions for them.

So when you’re doing all the above for the one you love and they’re lukewarm, not willing to sacrifice anything, just there when it’s comfortable and easy for them…. It’s a slap in the face. Either be on fire or be cold but don’t play the middle ground because lukewarm will be spit from the mouth of God.

Ladies, you shouldn’t have to settle for lukewarm love either. A true man of God will bring you closer to God, will pursue you in a godly way not a thirsty way. There will be no verbal, emotional or physical abuse. His love should be on fire! Willing to be selfless for you. As you should be with him.

Why settle for anything less?

How many times will you be broken before realizing you deserve more? Dear sister, you’re worth more! Get out of your feelings, follow God and know that HE is enough! You don’t NEED that man. Your heart has been through enough, now lock the door and give God the keys!

You can trust God with your heart. Seek him and he’ll show you what real love is. Then, when you’re healed and whole, a man who goes through God and is trusted with the keys to your heart is worth the wait.