It was the last night of an eight week class exploring the prophetic through a local church. And the most predominant emotion I felt was…annoyance.
Dang. Annoyance didn’t seem at all the proper or appropriate emotion for what seemed like it ought to be a triumphant night of celebration.
That Sunday night as I was trying to grab my stinky thinking prior to class, I began to wonder (in my negative mindset) if God was drawing me back from people and friendship as He had done for me at previous times.
“Really, God? We’re doing this? Again?“
What I heard in response was, “The source of your actual frustration is your disobedience to what I told you to do last September.”
Ouch.
I knew instantly what He meant, but for you, the reader, let me at least share a bit more detail.
There was more than one thing I had talked with the Lord about doing the previous fall. I had obeyed a number of things. It wasn’t that I was living a life of abject disobedience.
But…uhh…yes…there was one point I definitely had been uh, trying to re-word…..I really could have sworn He told me to do a blog.
I think I mainly figured I’d probably misheard or that it was something more general along the lines of writing since I really knew – okay KNOW – nothing about blogs.
I had heard of blogs. I might have accidentally read one once at that point. There was also that fun movie about the gal cooking and blogging about it – oh that was a great one, yup.
So, I had pretty much wiggled my way out of the whole blog post and was leaping on every other writing concept. After all I had loads of poems I’d written decades before just sitting around. Yep. That must be what He really meant. So, every time I would feel like He was poking me in the ribs about the blog I’d start dreaming about different ways of publishing other forms of writing.
Except I just ended up arguing with God about publishing that writing also. Mmm-hmmm. I made more specific excuses for that kind of writing. And He came back with an answer EVERY DANG time, at least for a starting point. Oh.
Seriously – I CANNOT be the only fool to endeavor to argue and negotiate with the Creator of the Heavens and Earth. The scriptures and my friends tell plenty of stories that evidence I am not alone in my foolishness.
Sure, it’s idiotic, but so is signing an unbreakable fourteen month lease three weeks after you’re supposed to be terminated, so is walking out of your apartment not knowing where you’ll be sleeping that night.
The night I threw away my mattress, I remember asking God if He’d done this Fathering thing before. Yup.
Not so funny that night.
But I’d done all those things on His instructions. And He always came through. He always came through with MORE than I could have imagined. He always gave more back to me for the things I laid aside than I had ever been able to attain with my own hand.
He’d given me a better job with more money after signing the unbreakable lease. After I walked out of my apartment on His word, He’d taken me to a nicer home wholly provisioned where the family literally bought my favorite toilet paper for goodness’ sake! The wife described their logic on toilet paper and I’d never told anyone that I felt exactly the same!!
And of course it was the MOST comfortable bed I’d ever slept on. A larger, nicer bed in a larger nicer home where I wasn’t responsible for maintenance or rent or groceries. Goodness.
You’d think I’d have a bit more confidence in Him, eh? But He takes us into new terrains and new dreams and He’s shown me that for me the “scariest” dreams aren’t the ones of far off nations and mighty encounters…it’s the things I pushed down decades ago….the places I believed the lies of an enemy who betrayed God and envies who God called me to be and howls at the price Father God paid for me and my life – His only begotten Son – my Lord Jesus Christ!!!
It seems like I should be less scared of doing a blog than of not knowing where I’d sleep or where my rent will come from.
Bottom line, I’ve been most daunted by stepping into who He called me to be. But here I am. I’m making my move. I’m taking my step into the unknown and whatever happens doesn’t change who He is and has been and always will be for me.
Everything has always been steps on the way to discovering ever deeper the reality of accepting I am Beloved by the Highest Being in all Existence.
That night I simply knew that the whole blog/writing/website concept made me squirm with intense discomfort. People already thought I was loopy enough not going back to the corporate career I had established. Folks constantly asking what my next step was, what my next job move would be, what my next life move was and all I could seem to do was try to side-step the thing that really I had wanted longer than anything in my life but feel completely unprepared and inadequate to accomplish.
How can I put myself out there like that Lord?
“Because I have you. Because you are mine and you know I am yours.”
What if I fall?
“I’ll always catch you. I always have. You know I’m your soft landing place. I’m your shoulders to ride upon, the shoulders to hide your face to weep in. I’m your safety and your secret dwelling. I am your everything.
I am your answer.”
And we’re off………..wheeeee (eek, shiver, chills and thrills!!!)
