In part one of this blog series, I spoke of my desire to experience supernatural supply from God. And how I discovered when I was in a position to NEED supernatural supply, I often felt foolish and as if I were on display to all the world. I wondered how it was that I could hear God tell me all sorts of details, such as directions to a restaurant I didn’t know was at that location, and yet I could not find a permanent job. The work I did find was often not work I wanted to do. Gosh, it was a humbling, hard time full of deep learning. I did find wonder and beauty and awe and joy in those places many times, but there were also many times I felt extremely frustrated.
For years when I read in the bible about the Israelites groaning and mumbling in the desert, I criticized them, thinking how wonderful their miraculous provision was and how little they appreciated it. I feel like I understood the other side more now why they complained since I have experienced being so much sustained by the provision of the Lord. I’m not saying it was right of the Israelites to complain, I’m simply saying that I know now how desperately I longed for the ability to have the power to control my provision rather than wait to see how God would supply it! I prefer to have a job that I know will supply me a certain amount of income. I prefer to have that money and budget it for bills and groceries. But what happens when it seems as though God himself will not allow the doors to open to a job that would sustain me?
And, while I will not say that God closed doors to a permanent job for that time period…I have my suspicions!!! At one point as I was struggling with the lack of a permanent job, I asked God who he wanted to be for me. The response I heard so clearly was that he wanted me to be utterly dependent upon him. I honestly think the lessons he wanted to teach me of his steadfastness and faithful character were more important to him than my desire for a permanent job. I’m not sharing this to invite anyone to debate me about it.
The real reality is I will always desperately need God no matter the state of my employment or finances or bank account. We will always have needs beyond our immediate ability to supply. The needs won’t go away, they’ll just change and if I don’t discover the true source, my true sufficiency, I will always be bankrupt and poor.