I first started writing this particular blog because I felt a need to chronicle so many of the amazing ways I witnessed God supplying provision for me. I realized as I wrote it that ever since I was a little girl I remember being fascinated by testimonies of answered prayer.
I had many favorite records from the scriptures, as well as testimonial narratives of people like George Mueller who was a man who ran orphanages in England in the 1800’s. George Mueller was convicted that he would never tell anybody but God of his need and then received miraculous solution after miraculous solution. He ran orphanages primarily as a demonstration of God’s willingness and ability to answer prayers.
I also loved to reflect on and repeat stories my mom told me of answered prayers. One of my favorite stories was the time she needed four dollars to give each child a dollar to pay for school lunch. But she was completely tapped out broke. No money, no where. No change, nothing.
She searched through every pocket and every old purse and every coin purse searching for any missed money or change, coming up empty every time. She came to God and demanded that $4.
She said, “I have to have this!” Then she felt that God was telling her to go back to a specific coin purse, but she had already looked in that coin purse – multiple times! She said she had even turned it inside out previously – and there was nothing in it. But she obeyed the prompting she sensed, and looked in it again and she found $4 there!
I love this story for many reasons. That she did what she knew to do, that she came boldly to the Father, and that there was NO WAY she had “missed” the four dollars previously, because she had even turned the coin purse inside out, but God miraculously put $4 into that coin purse for her. Still blows me away!
I longed to have those kinds of tales to tell of God’s goodness and
provision for me! Yet, the reality of God supplying for me in amazing, supernatural ways was far different than I expected. In those places where I had no means to supply my own needs and had to fully rely on God, places where my flesh could not provide the answer were far harder than I anticipated.
See, to rely on God meant NOT relying on myself. And that sounds logical and like, of course! But if you haven’t lived in those places where your human ability is exhausted and you have no five-senses solutions, you won’t probably fully grasp the humbling of that place and how walking out trust and faith are very different than sitting in a Sunday sermon saying, “Amen!”
And often in that place I honestly felt incredibly foolish and as if I were
on display to all the world. I wondered how it was that I could not find a permanent job, how it was that the work I did find was so often not work I wanted to do. Gosh, it was a humbling time full of deep learning. I did find the wonder and beauty and awe and joy in those places many times, but there were also many times I felt extremely frustrated.
For years when I read in the bible about the Israelites groaning and mumbling in the desert, I criticized them, thinking how wonderful their miraculous provision was and how little they appreciated it. I feel like I understood the other side of it when I was being so much sustained by the provision of the Lord and how desperately I longed for the ability to have the power to control my provision rather than wait to see how God would supply it! I prefer to have a job that I know will supply me a certain amount of income. I prefer to have that money and budget it for bills and groceries. But what happens when it seems as though God himself will not allow the doors to open to a job that would sustain me?
And, while I will not say that is what God did…I have my suspicions!!! At one point as I was struggling with the lack of a permanent job, I asked God who he wanted to be for me. What I heard him say so clearly was that he wanted me to be utterly dependent upon him. I honestly think the lessons he wanted to teach me of his steadfastness and faithful character were more important to him than my desire for a permanent job. I’m not sharing this to invite anyone to debate me about it.
Because the real reality is I will always desperately need God no matter the state of my employment or finances or bank account. We will always have needs beyond our immediate ability to supply. The needs won’t go away, they’ll just change and if I don’t discover the true source, I will always be bankrupt and poor.
I saw supernatural provision in many forms my first nine months in Albuquerque especially. There were several times where food that I was eating simply didn’t deplete. I remember in particular a pack of tortillas that I never seemed to make a dent in and a $1 bottle of soap that I put at the kitchen sink that just never totally ran dry. When I got some extra cash my roommate at the time was so eager to throw the bottle away. She couldn’t believe how the thing lasted six months! And the funny thing about the tortillas pack is that once I had money for more groceries, I started noticing the expiration date stamped right on top of the pack, so I finally tossed the still full pack.
Right about that time, a skin condition around my nose and scalp began to flare up. I was not only out of the medicated ointment, but also out of insurance and cash. About four months earlier I had tried to get even a drop out of the bottle, but it was bone dry. I started to toss it into the trash, but for reasons I could not explain or understand, I kept the bottle. As the condition worsened, I remembered the bottle, but that remembrance seemed pointless – the bottle was completely empty. Yet, I found it, and applied it to my nose and a drop came out and soothed the irritated skin on my nose. I was so amazed and in awe and grateful for the relief to my red, cracking skin. Over the coming days, I got drop after drop out of the bottle, til I could actually shake the bottle and inside the container. I still have that bottle. I like to go and shake it and just sit in awe of the whole thing.
One day in that same first nine months in Albuquerque, I was wishing for some fresh apples. I kid you not that a friend brought so many apple flats to my roommate that she immediately gave about half of them away, because she knew they were far too many for us to eat on our own. We initially kept 3 cardboard flats, but ended up still giving another flat away and still could not eat all the apples.
Later, after I was living on my own, when I had no money for toilet paper or shampoo, a friend spontaneously shared $43 she had earned at her garage sale off of items she’d been given for free. She said the Lord told her to give it to me. I think she was taken back when I broke down sobbing when she gave it to me. Shampoo and toilet paper – those are the bare minimum sort of necessities, you know? I still look at my shampoo bottles and toilet paper packs with so much gratitude!
The summer of 2016 I ran into so many road blocks financially! I had been working a temporary assignment that began in February and was then supposed to become a
permanent position and so much craziness occurred and the assignment ended after three months, at the end of May. I was relieved to find another assignment only a few days later, though it was $2 less per hour. But then to my shock and despair, about a month into the assignment, after coming home on a Friday, I received a call from the agency telling me I didn’t need to come back. No explanation as to what I had done or why the assignment ended, just that I didn’t need to come back.
I had only moved into my apartment not even two months before the second assignment ended, and I didn’t know how I was going to make it. All that month of July I searched for work, for temporary assignments. I got a day and a half assignment. I repeatedly trekked to the library applying to jobs online because I couldn’t afford internet in my apartment. I could not seem to find work for the life of me! I prayed and praised and cried my eyes out! But it was also during that month that a friend took me to the Human Services department and helped me get signed up for assistance which I really needed, but had no idea how to access. The food and medical benefit I received were so extraordinarily helpful in that difficult place.
I have often looked back on that very, very difficult month where I got not only connected
with assistance that helped me for many more months, but it’s also the point when Destinee and I connected to begin seriously discussing merging our then defunct blogs together.
I did get a two-week work assignment at the end of July into the start of August through a temporary agency to help out a department in a local university. I was so desperately broke at the time. I’d really been broke before my last assignment ended unexpectedly and I’d gone weeks with only a day and a half of income. I had no idea how I was going to make rent and for the first time in many desperate moments since I moved to Albuquerque I began to seriously doubt if I could make it here. I began to question if I would have to give up, turn around, return to Ohio and call my venture to New Mexico quits. I was so tired and exhausted emotionally. I was frightened and so very scared.
The two week assignment was to help an administrative assistant get caught up with
overflow work, like filing and new hire packets. This woman was a wonderful Christian woman. I don’t know what God said to her, but she was such a source of encouragement to me at a point when I felt so lost and broken in my understanding of what was going on in my life and where was God. Have any of you experienced somebody like that?
She began to bring in gifts for me day after day after day. She provided me a wonderful new backpack when mine had gone kaput some months back. I was using a couple bags to carry my lunch and purse, and whatever I needed for the day as I walked and rode public transportation. She had purchased the backpack for her middle school son, but it was too large for him.
It was also a laptop backpack and at the time I had just received my laptop as a gift from my father – well that’s another story and another blessing! I didn’t have internet in my apartment and had been carting my laptop awkwardly in bags not made to carry laptops to the library to work on job applications.
She also asked me what was my favorite flavor of creamer and she bought me good coffee with the biggest bottle of flavored creamer as well as some books by one of my favorite Christian authors.
At the end of the two-week temporary office assignment the women I’d been helping,
who I never actually told the details of my financial straits to, gave me an envelope with $200 that helped me make rent (this was not my pay for the work, but a personal gift she gave me).
The next to last day of this assignment I went to an interview after work and the next morning was offered the job. I still look back on that interview in a strange wonder. Ultimately, the job did not work out, but it sustained me through a point where I was about to give up.
The following Monday, a friend gave me a ride to the bank as I had received a three-day eviction notice. It was the first day of the new job and I was too embarrassed to explain why I needed to come in late on my very first day. I had received a little bit of unemployment that was put on a credit card and as I was trying to get cash off of that
card, I gave the dollar amount wrong by one dollar and so the bank couldn’t give me the cash. The bank teller advised that I needed to go to another branch to get the money off of this card, because he was only allowed to try to pull cash off of it once a day, and because I said the wrong dollar amount it locked the card for that branch for the rest of the day.
I was rocked. I had thought I would get my money order for my past due rent, drop it off
at the apartment office, and then head to my first day of the new job. I sat in the lobby trying to control my sobs while I reached out to see if another friend could drive me, but realized I was better to catch the next bus.
When I got on that bus there was a man pouring out an endless stream of insults on everybody on the bus. He wasn’t cursing, but it was vile and filthy and horrible. None of the comments were even directed at me, still it was very chaotic and unsettling to my system. I prayed in my mind for God to shut him down – but God didn’t stop the man and the man’s words continued. Feeling deeply afflicted by his offensive digs and barbs I got off the bus and began walking to the next stop. The man got off at the same stop.
“You have got to be kidding me, God.” I groused in my heart. Sure enough the guy followed me to the next bus stop. Honestly, by that point, I heavily suspected God was not only not stopping the man, but was actually using the man to intentionally move me to a certain point.
Furious at the whole situation, I plugged my earbuds in and
rocked my Christian praise music loud as it would go and determinedly stormed down the road to the next bank. It’s really rather comic with a couple years space between now and then.
As I crossed in front of the bright, green grass of the women’s hospital, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see a girl I met at a work assignment nine months earlier. She had chased me down after seeing me walk past her in front of the hospital where she was leaving from a check up. She shared how she had decided at the last minute to take an appointment that day and how pleased she was by the prime parking spot she landed—right by the sidewalk where I was marching past to get to the bank and my first day of a new job.
The money order process ended up being still more complicated as it turned out what the
bank teller meant was not just that I needed to go to another branch of the same bank, but I needed to actually go to a completely different bank. So this sweet gal drove me to two different banks, then to a gas station for the money order, my apartment complex to make the payment in time to avoid eviction and finally to my new job. We shared about our learning on our path to recovery and prayed together.
I tell you just writing all of this and editing it, now that I have had a permanent job, but still often very tight and still riding the bus after three and a half years, but reflecting with a little more time and distance from these scenarios, I’m even more amazed at all God did for me and also that I survived! Part of me is in awe and part of me still feels slightly traumatized from some of the experiences. Times with the Lord can be like that roller coaster with highs and lows!
And yes, there were many, many times that I didn’t know where my rent was coming from. That Friday night when I came home to a phone call before the long Fourth of July weekend to be told that my work assignment was over, I responded by walking into my unfurnished living room, lifting my arms and my voice to praise God.
I didn’t praise God because I was happy, but to show my confidence in His supply and to stand in defiance to the negative emotions that stood eager to consume me.
The rent during those times came through differently, but it was only the last time that I asked my parents for help with the rent, every other time, it worked out different ways, different people offered me help without me asking. It usually moved me to ugly cry when loving friends stepped in to help me out as I did my best. I prayed and praised and wept a lot – before and AFTER the answers came. I actually wailed with joy when I received my food benefit for the first time. It was so much more than I had been living on for a long time. It was so abundant compared to what I’d been getting by on. I realized then that wailing in joy sounds the same as wailing for sorrow!
Provision has come a lot of different ways, and they aren’t always obviously supernatural, but I see the hand of God often in helping me.Then there are other times, I never have it on paper or in the bank and I get through. And sometimes I’m eating ramen noodles, but I tell you, often in those places, it’s like the Lord does a work for me on those inexpensive noodles! I have wondered if it’s like what I imagine He did to make manna taste good for the Israelite’s after so many years and so many meals.
I used to cry God, if you don’t provision me, people will think
you didn’t commission me. That was honestly one of my biggest fears coming here to Albuquerque. I felt like I’d flopped so many times before in my life. And this time I believed was different. And it has been. It has been gloriously hard and filled with wonderment and weeping in both frustration and jubilation.
God has been so glorious and so generous to inspire people to be kind and loving to me. I endeavor to always bring my requests to God. I ask him for help. I do the best I know to do. I endeavor to be wise with my money and my health and seek the Lord’s aid and he inspires people to express goodness to me. I can’t even show it all here. I can’t show all the meals, the concerts, the events, the conferences, the gifts I’ve been showered with by good and giving people.
As I was pulling all these pictures to put into this blog, I kept thinking how I would end the blog by pointing out that the greater gift has been the gifts of friendship. And I truly believe that. But then I realized, the greatest gift is the depth of friendship found with my Father God through all this. Discovering how truly good and faithful to his character and his word and his promises to be my supply and my sufficiency. The greatest supply, the greatest provision through these times has been the supply of relationship with the Godhead, the provision of comfort and friendship that I have found in the company of my Father, my Lord and the Holy Spirit.