Here Are The Reasons Why You May be Dating People You Need To “Fix” or “Save”…
Either, you are this woman or you know this woman. If you are this woman you think, “why do I always attract the same type of guys??” If you know this woman you think, “she has horrible taste in men!” I was this woman so I have a bit of insight after a lot of self-reflection and reading up on subjects relating to relational issues. Maybe you’ll see some of these same things in your own life… Hope it helps!
- I came from a dysfunctional family and never learned what boundaries were. I come from a family of alcoholism and codependency (I’ll explain what this word means later). Healthy relationships weren’t exemplified for me growing up which lead me to be an unhealthy person. I had no clue what a boundary was or why I needed them. (I’ll explain boundaries further down).
- I had very low self-worth. I was rejected as a child because of the alcoholism and the extra attention my parent needed because of their own issues which left me feeling unimportant and unsupported. Both parents were too busy with the addiction and codependency that they weren’t able to fulfill my emotional needs as a child. This led to depression and very low self-worth. I felt completely worthless and treated myself as if I were.
- I used relationships to feel like I had purpose and worth. I wanted to be the girl he changed for. I wanted to be the “better half.” I (subliminally) wanted to be his god, his savior, his everything because that would mean I was special and worthy. I needed to prove to myself that I was worth something. Again, this directly relates to my low self-worth and trying to fill that emotional void from childhood.
- I couldn’t be with a healthy person because I wasn’t healthy. In order to be in a healthy relationship with a healthy person, we need to be healthy ourselves. I was attracted to men with issues because I had my own issues. I struggled with my very own codependency. I didn’t know what it meant to be responsible for only myself and responsible TO others… not FOR them. The complete lack of boundaries made me more focused and controlled by other people’s feelings than even recognizing my own.
- I was codependent. What does that mean? It’s something I have learned and studied deeply; this is what codependence is: Belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where we enable another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior. We don’t allow irresponsible people to live with consequences, we’re too busy trying to fix and save with the end goal of being loved for these things we do.
If you struggle with codependency you find it hard to identify your own feelings but are always aware of the feelings around you. You sacrifice your own well being to fill the emotional and self-esteem needs of a dysfunctional person. You use manipulation to keep the love of another person and to avoid rejection. You can be controlling, sometimes in a subtle way. You struggle with having healthy boundaries or don’t know what boundaries are.
What are unhealthy boundaries?
If you have unhealthy or no boundaries you feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame your own on someone else. You allow a lot of disrespect and mistreatment and stay in bad relationships longer than you should. When we have healthy boundaries and they are repeatedly crossed or disrespected, we are able to be more realistic about whether the situation we are in is healthy or not.
A boundary is an imaginary fence around our hearts that has a gate we can use to allow good, healthy things in and keep bad, unhealthy things out. It is the property line of self. I know what feelings belong to me, along with my own actions and I’m aware that other people need to own their own feelings and actions and cannot throw those onto my property.
When I learned what I was worth to God I was finally able to let go of the people who were no good for me. I was able to live alone and be content with God and feel secure in who he created me to be. I am reading a book called “Boundaries in Marriage.” The two authors are Christian Psychologists and have taught me SO MUCH about boundaries. They have many boundary books where you can learn how to have them in every relationship.
I believe the main root of this behavior is low self-worth and putting our identity in someone other than Christ. Reading God’s word and the truth of who he says I am and knowing that I have a purpose that he created me for and that I am deeply loved fills up every hole I was trying to fill with dysfunctional men.
And never ever feel ashamed to join a group or to start counseling. These things help so much in digging up past wounds to understand yourself more and heal correctly with God helping you along the way.